Sunday, May 10, 2015

Motherhood Reflection

I've been meaning to write a post for quite some time; yes I have been on quite the hiatus.  It all started when we were busy building our first home.  Nathan and I spent countless hours completing various projects; "sweat equity" as it's called. After we moved into our home (and bought a puppy!) another big event started to occupy my time: I became pregnant with our first child. Needless to say it's been a whirlwind!  It's funny looking back on it now how quickly the time has passed since that morning I took not one but two pregnancy tests (you know, just to make sure it was real).  Seeing that today is Mother's Day - and my first Mother's Day - I couldn't think of a better time to reflect and write about this new and momentous title of Mom.

How I told my husband. He came home to find this on our kitchen island :)

The moment I found out I was in fact pregnant I cried and I laughed and felt elated and incredulous all at once.  Just the day before I had confided in Nathan that, for reasons I won't go into now, I thought I maybe was pregnant but had had a very early miscarriage.  "It just wasn't time," I remember saying.  And yet, here I was with two positive pregnancy tests.  I went into our living room, knelt down by the couch, and thanked God. I praised him for this child.  I prayed for my little baby and their sweet soul.  I prayed that they would come to know and love God.  What a great responsibility I had been given!

The next 9 months went by quickly.  We took childbirth classes and I read everything I could get my hands on.  Although I was excited to meet this baby, a sweet little girl, I was so focused on labor and delivery.  I was so afraid and focused on preparing for the pain I wasn't thinking very much about how much I would love her and how my life would change and how I would cope with the challenges of raising a child. I was completely unprepared for that aspect of parenthood. Needless to say, at 5:01 a.m. on November 16th, I delivered our little girl.  I made it through labor - in fact I did GREAT, if I do say so myself! And our sweet girl was absolutely healthy and perfect.  But again, I just wasn't prepared for how much our little Charlotte Mary was going to rock my world.

I knew my life would change but I didn't realize just how much.  My entire purpose in life is different; my existence is entirely devoted to the care and nurturing of this child.  Everything I see, everything I read, everything I do, everything is different, because I am a Mom.  I see all things, including the love of God and the love of my own parents, in an entirely new and clear light. What a gift.

How was I to know that every little event, from her smiles to new milestones, would make my heart feel like it was going to explode?  I truly was not prepared for the absolute heart-wrenching joy and love that would ensue once I became a mother.  With every day that passes my heart grows and I love her more than I even thought possible.  When I look back on my nervousness now, about letting go and becoming a Mom, it's silly how much I worried.  I had no idea how much I would adore being a mother to this little baby.  I suppose I simply couldn't have known. She taught me to love in a way that I didn't know was possible.  Being a Mother is the great blessing I've ever known.

Happy Mother's Day to my own amazing Mother and to all the mothers out there.  We are blessed.


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